Today’s topic: Relationship Saboteur #2 — Being Defensive (Part 2)

Welcome to Part 2 of relationship saboteur #2!

In today’s blog, we’ll explore solutions and discuss ways to defeat defensiveness. We’ll also look at how triggering can be a transformative moment for yourself and within your marriage as a sacred practice.

If you’ve not already read Part 1, I recommend doing so since this blog continues from last month.

And, if this is your first time reading our 7 Relationship Saboteurs mini-series, and you’re wondering what this mini-series is all about, you can get up to speed by reading about it here.

Why Defensiveness Hurts So Much

By its very nature, being defensive is a form of self-protection. It occurs when someone feels as if they’re attacked or think they need to defend their position. And it always comes from a place of previous hurt when that person’s feelings or ideas have been overridden or ignored.  

When someone acts out their defensiveness on you, it hurts because the real reason isn’t known. All you know is that the other person has walled themselves off emotionally and is hurling rocks in your direction.

Solution

When you recognize the signs of being defensive in yourself, there are ways you can reduce defensiveness and increase awareness. Here are some suggestions:

Decrease

• Reactivity

• Deflection

• Assumptions

• Judgement (of self and other)

Increase:

• Self-soothing

• Curiosity

• Listening

• Self-reflection
  

You can reduce reactivity and embrace emotional resilience by increasing self-soothing activities, such as repeating affirmations and breathing exercises. Establishing a daily meditation practice can also be beneficial, as can creating healthy internal and external boundaries.

Fostering a mindset of curiosity is a great way to increase clarity and decrease assumptions. Actively listening with the intention of understanding, rather than merely responding, can diminish judgment towards others and yourself. Additionally, practicing self-reflection and accountability for your actions will mitigate deflection and the inclination to judge and assign blame.

Marriage as a Sacred Practice

What happens when you're triggered?

You can either adopt a defensive stance, erect barriers around yourself or internalize the situation, attributing blame solely to yourself and succumbing to self-criticism.

However, there's a third, more healthy approach. 

If you see your marriage as a sacred practice, then you understand that whatever has been triggered is nothing more than an old emotional injury from the past. If you can say "thank you" for the triggering event and use it as an opportunity to heal your past injury, then you can evolve past it and emerge as the wise and loving adult you’re meant to be.

This can be done because I am living proof that marriage is a sacred act and I believe in you!