Today’s topic: Relationship Saboteur #2 – Being Defensive 

INTRODUCTION

When you and your spouse are fighting, and you don’t know the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’ . . .  check to see which of the 7 relationship saboteurs is triggering you. 

In today’s blog, we’ll look at how being defensive manifests, what it looks like and implies, and how this relationship saboteur justifies its actions. Finally, we’ll look at what’s being triggered within you.

Next month, we’ll explore solutions and discuss how to reduce defensiveness. We’ll also look at how being triggered can be a transformative moment for yourself and within your marriage as a sacred act.

If this is your first time reading our 7 Relationship Saboteurs mini-series, you’ll want to get up to speed on this transformative information by reading about it here.

Relationship Saboteur #2 Being Defensive

Being defensive means responding to a complaint, often with anger, in a defensive manner by explaining or excusing what happened. 

1. How it manifests

• Believing that it will be fine once the other person understands your side.

• Insisting on talking about your intentions rather than taking ownership of your impact.

• Listening to respond rather than listening to understand.

• Shifting the focus of the conversation from yourself or your behaviors to the other person's mistakes or flaws.

• Speaking condescendingly or taking a ‘better than you’ stance.

2. What it looks like

• ‘Armored up’

• Condescending

3. What it implies

• You’re at fault.

• You’re not understanding.

4. How it justifies its actions

• “I’m just explaining myself.”

5. What’s being triggered within you

If you’re feeling defensive, an old emotional injury from the past is likely being triggered. It’s activating now so you can examine the wound and evolve past it into the wise adult you are.

Tip: Often, when people are being defensive, they don’t know they are! They think they’re just explaining themselves rather than defending their position. 

What’s needed is empathy. And that requires you to put your defenses down long enough to consider someone else's experience.

Next month, we’ll explore solutions to this relationship saboteur and discuss how to reduce defensiveness. We’ll also look at how triggering can be a transformative moment for yourself and within your marriage as a sacred act.

In the meantime, I'm here if you’re dealing with a spouse acting defensively and you’d like some support.